Seized by Hope

We're Here!

"Ladies and gentlemen we've been cleared to land at the Beijing airport"

I looked down at a sea of lights stretching as far as I could see from the plane window.  The airport was quiet as we made our way through security and customs.  Not sure if we were taking a shuttle or if our friend Mark was picking us up I scanned the crowd and found the familiar symbol for OHM being held up for us.

We made our way to the van waiting for us in the parking garage and as we walked from the terminal I felt a familiar heaviness in the air, similar to that of my days at Biola in Los Angeles.  The smog feels thick and is a reminder for me that I am not at home.  

The ride from the airport was relatively uneventful, save the typical anxiety of being in a foreign city and not knowing the driving customs...which included several manuevers on the wrong side of the road.

Tomorrow we will attend and ex-patriot church in the morning and sight see in the afternoon.  Several authentic chinese meals are in store for us, which should be interesting!  (hoping to post some photos tomorrow night)

For now....

 

 

Lists...

Costco:

milk

bread

eggs

chicken

frozen- lasagna, pot stickers, chicken tenders, shrimp

lunch meat, bacon, sour cream, bagels, cream cheese......

 

Pharmacy:

cipro, zithromax prescriptions

pepto

sleeping pills (?)

travel size: toothpaste, shampoo, conditioner, hair gel, hand sanitizer

 

Best Buy:

adapter for transferring photos/thumbdrive to ipad

wireless keyboard (?)

thumb drive

 

to do:

print my talks

pack

meals for kids/parents

schedule for parents on pick up/drop off etc for kiddos

laundry

shots for dog

tires for car

pray!!!

 

I am going to China on Friday.

Yes, I just wrote that...I am going to China on Friday.

I now have silver medallion status on Delta, a result of trips last year all over the United States and Austria and Italy.  We (everyone traveling with me) got upgraded to seats with more legroom and seats that recline further because of my "status".  Woo Hoo!

This morning I sat with several of the team members traveling with me and we talked about the trip.  It all feels a bit surreal and unbelievable.

The message from the man helping to bring us to China said, "I had no trouble filling the slots for the training."  Those attending are coming with great anticipation from all across China.  I have only a small inkling of what to expect, based purely on the experiences I had a few years ago in Europe when I sat in small groups and spoke with a translator.

I am curious about the stories I will hear, the impact of cultural differences and the places where we will all experience that we not so different after all.

I am going to China on Friday.

I keep saying it wondering if it will sink in and land somewhere between now and when I board the plane to Beijing.

I'll keep you all posted ;)

 

Learning to Listen

I find that often I realize that God was speaking to me in the past as I encounter Him in the present.

Over the weekend we returned to San Antonio for the first time since we left, nearly 18 months ago.

I had wondered how it would feel to return as we planned for the trip back in November and December.  As we looked at the dates and worked to find a weekend when we could secure a venue for the OHM retreat it became clear that the trip back would coincide with my birthday.  I remember feeling both excited about the possibility of spending my birthday with friends, and curious about how it would actually be to return.

As the days passed prior to the weekend my feelings of ambivalence grew.  There were the inevitable disappointments and surprises that accompany any event or trip, and as my heart held those unfolding realities I could feel the invitation to shut down inside so I wouldn't have to feel the tension and uncomfortableness of it all.

I slid my feet into my boots Thursday morning and packed my suitcase.  

As we circled around to make our approach I looked down to see the familiar neon sign marking the store fronts near "Cadillac Drive" and a moment later the stretch of highway 281 running past the airport and our old neighborhood.  I breathed in and out a couple of times and then the words, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to San Antonio."

The warm, humid air greeted us as we stepped off the plane.

Before going to bed Thursday night I stood on the back deck of our friends home and felt the breeze gently blowing across my face.  I looked out over familiar terrain and remembered many conversations and times with friends.  I  could hear Jesus whispering in the breeze, and I felt his kind eyes seeing me standing there.

The weekend held many, many faces of friends and exchanges of hugs.  There were 5-10 minute conversations with lots of people, that were both sweet and left the sting of not nearly enough time to really exchange what I would have wanted to hear and share.

The years we spent in San Antonio were marked with deep intimacy with many people.  We had very few "superficial" relationships, which made leaving incredibly painful and difficult.

Looking back and remembering I know God was speaking to me as things were coming to a close in San Antonio, I heard some of what He was saying and some of it I missed completely. 

I imagine if His words had come in a letter they might have sounded like this....

Dear Tracy,

I want to remind you how much I love you.  I want you to remember where you have tasted my love and faithfulness in the past, because I am about to allow some very real pain and disappointment to crash in on the shores of your heart.  The water will feel deep and the waves powerful and overwhelming and you will need to have a buoy to swim to, a place to pin your hope to when you fear you are going to drown.

You are going to have to leave here.  It's going to feel confusing and devastating.  You will want to hang on and grasp at the things you love here, your home, your friends, your community, your ministry.  I am not going to allow you to do that.  I am going to leave you aware of the emptiness that is within you, an emptiness that you have forgotten as your life has become so full of other things, good things, but things other than me.

You will not be able to maintain all the friendships you have here, because to do so will make it impossible for you to live where I am taking you.  

You are going to believe that you can do it on your own.  That you have the capacity to keep contact with everyone you love here and still be where I am sending you.  You will try, and you will fail.  And, dear one when that failure comes I will be there.  I'll build a fire, cook you some breakfast and we will talk about what I have allowed, your failure and what I want you to focus on in the future.  (you'll meet Peter in new ways that day, and he will have a big smile of understanding for you.)

This place isn't going to be your home anymore, and it will always be one of the sweetest stops on your Journey with Me.  You will be able to return to your memories from here and taste the goodness of who I am.  You will fondly remember all you came to understand about yourself and who I created you to be because of your years here and the lavish love and grace poured out on you by the people here.  

But Tracy, you have to leave here.

Keep your eyes on Me, and let your heart ache, ask Me your questions, yell at Me, weep with Me, surrender to Me.

I will always be with you, even when you aren't sure I am there.

I love you,

 

Jesus

I could hear Him speaking to me on the streets of San Antonio.  I could see His face in the faces of friends this weekend, in their warm words and in their tears of disappointment, and in their hopes and dreams for more.  

I heard Him yesterday morning speaking again as I realized my journal was missing from my bag, left on a plane at the Atlanta airport Sunday night.  The journal that held many words from time spent with Dan Allender this year, the journal that held precious thoughts from the past few months.  The journal I was grasping in my hand as I sat trying to process all my feelings from the weekend.

I am listening to Him.

It hurts, but I am listening.

She Walks in Beauty

She Walks In Beauty Lord Byron   SHE walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that 's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
Thus mellow'd to that tender light	5
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.
One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impair'd the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress,
Or softly lightens o'er her face;	10
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling-place.
And on that cheek, and o'er that brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,	15
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent!

 

I found this poem in a book recently while shopping with my girls. I have found my mind returning to the stanzas and holding them gently.

The words that stand out to me are: best, dark and bright, her eyes, nameless grace, thoughts serenly, mind at peace, heart, love, innocent.

 

 

The hours of snow

It was raining as I drove to pick the kids up from school on Thursday.  Big sloppy rain drops hitting the windshield.  The forecast said it would rain first and then snow, but I found myself a bit skeptical as the rain continued to beat down on the car.  Then I noticed it, the "rain with guts" (which is what Mark calls rain that is beginning to turn into snow).  The guts splattered a bit, tell tale signs of the rain transforming into snow.  By the time I had picked up all three kids the snow had started and the car was filled with conversations about whether the reports would be true and would school indeed cancel for the following day.

Well, snow it did...for hours...and hours...and hours.

I stepped onto the porch around 7:30pm to get more wood for the fireplace and the stillness that comes with the snow greeted me.  It is a quiet that is hard to describe for anyone who hasn't encountered it for themselves.  The flakes falling from the sky and the stillness of the streets as people are hunkered down inside always invites me to stand and soak it all in, despite the cold.  It is a quiet I would like to bottle up and have available at times when the world around me feels loud and chaotic.

We awoke to inches and inches of snow.  Homemade buttermilk waffles, hot coffee and a roaring fire defined the morning.  

The snow stopped mid morning and the first shoveling of the driveway commenced.

The driveway had just finished being completely shoveled as the flakes started falling again.

Mark loaded the kids up to head for the ski slope.

I stayed behind to write and have a few quiet hours alone.

I stood on the porch wrapped in my down blanket, listening to the quiet.

I watched as the snow piled up on the driveway again.

Mark and the kids arrived back home at 8pm.

Steven and I headed back out the driveway, to shovel some more in anticipation of a friend dropping by.

We couldn't scrape the white stuff off fast enough, by the time we quit the space we'd worked on was once again covered with over an inch of snow.

Saturday morning we awoke to this.....

(The bug is just behind the girls, buried in snow.)

The girls were anxious to put on their gear and sled, Mark found the rope and began to pull them down the driveway and off for a ride down the street.

Winter has finally arrived in Michigan, inches and inches of winter.  

I am breathing it in.  Sitting quietly in my leather chair, doing some reading in search of quotes for the writing project I have on my plate this week.

I have been reading back through some of my journals, and books I was reading 3+ years ago.  I am thoughtful, reflective and a bit sober.

I am aware that while it may seem that things change, it is also true that many things repeat themselves.

Mark pulled Katy down the street on a sled 22 years ago in Linthicum, Maryland.

He pulled Katy, Allison and Steven through the streets of our neighborhood in Portland, Oregon 13 years ago.

He is still pulling his own kids today....

 

Walking in My Shoes

As my family returned home for the holidays the space inside our house filled up quickly.  The bedrooms were all utilized, providing spaces of rest for those who came to stay with us.  The emotional space was filled as well, as each person brought with them their hopes, fears, dreams, anticipations, disappointment, angst, anger, sadness, joy, irritation and playfulness.

For three weeks the space of my home hosted my children, my parents and several friends.

There were conversations of depth every day, some bringing a depth of joy, some bringing a depth of chaos, some bringing a depth of grief, some of anger, some of disappointment...the conversations all reflective of the emotions that came with each person, just a sure as they arrived with suitcases filled with gifts and clothes and necessary items for the visit so too they arrived with emotional suitcases.  There was a great level of authenticity and integrity in my house this holiday season, and there weren't as many "nice" moments....people saying what others wanted to hear just to keep the peace, there were a great many "kind" moments when truth was being spoken and things being felt were honored.  In that, the rooms were very full at times as the weight of it all was being felt more deeply.

Those of us who live here all the time, Mark and I, the little girls and Steven all felt the shift of adding "more" to what usually occupies the space here.

Slowly they began to leave, my parents first returning home on the 27th of December, followed by Allison moving to Moody last week, and then Katy returning to Philadelphia on Sunday and finally our last two visitors returning to San Antonio yesterday.

Today I washed sheets, and sat quietly in my favorite chair in the three seasons room soaking up the sun and the silence in my home.

I can still hear the voices from the holiday's in my head if I close my eyes.  Allison and Steven exchanging words and finishing each others sentances, Katy laughing, my mom reading to the girls, my dad checking in to see in anyone wants to hear an excerpt from something interesting he's reading.  

We sat at our table with Tom and Dan as they asked about our experience of the restfulness of this space with live in now, and how that feels as we remember the days of "The Call" in San Antonio.  There were still tears as I answered, the tenderness in my heart remains.  We sat at that same table with Darin and Bethany and for a few minutes it felt like a gathering that could have taken place at our Heimer Road house.  It was a bit surreal for all of us.

And so today, while the house is emptier and there is space that has opened back up, my heart is full and a bit tired from all I have held and felt and engaged.  I cried more often this year, even more than last year, which honestly caught me a bit by surprise.

Katy asked a me last week if I had thought about a theme for the year, not really a resolution but instead something that will I will hold and consider.  As I've thought about it I found myself returning to a gift I purchased for myself early in December, it was a gift meant to serve a reminder to me of what Jesus was speaking to me.  

The words on these shoes include:

Embrace

Share

Joy

Dream

Be Your Word

Take a Stand

Forward

Glad to be Me

Celebrate

Breathe

Live Boldly

Pay it Forward

These my shoes, the ones I am going to walk in this year, the ones I am wearing today.

 

Hopes for 2012

First Installment of what I hope for....

I had a lovely conversation with a friend yesterday, she is smart and creative and always interesting to talk with even if its only a few minutes.  

As I stood listening to her I found my senses taking in all that she offers...

-her dress is always a bit funky and makes a statement, to me it usually says, "I am fun and I don't take myself too seriously, and I buy things that I like and I know what I like."  She was wearing a fabulous little black jacket with eclectic sparkling buttons.

-her hair is short and she often has some sort of creative head band or scarf wrapped around it and I usually think, "I couldn't pull that off but I love how it looks on her".

-her eyes sparkle from behind her glasses and they are inviting and a bit mysterious

-her smile is warm and leaves you at ease

-her words are fun to listen to and she always has a story about someone she's met or something new and compelling that she has read recently.  yesterday she shared about how she and her husband had watched a documentary on fashion in new york as observed by a man on a bicycle.

Inside my world that can at times feel small and filled with stereo-typical conversations she breaks thru like fresh spring breeze and I walk away from encounters with her thirsty for another drink of what she pours out for those who know her.

She recommended several books, and we only stood talking for 30 minutes or so.  I don't remember the last time I had happen.

I've already purchased one of her suggestions and the first few pages were fascinating.

I hope 2012 will include more interesting conversations, book suggestions, and encounters with lovely women who live out the beauty of their souls.

 

Closing Out 2011

I spent some time this morning reading back through what I wrote in 2011.  I noticed that I didn't write as often as I had hoped I would as 2010 came to a close.  I also noticed that most of what I wrote about centered on the loss, the change and the process of settling into life here in Michigan.

Today I can say that I believe we are more "here" than we were a year ago.  Meaning, the emails back and forth with friends in San Antonio are fewer and further between and the phone calls are fewer as well.  My awareness of what is happening there is not as heightened, and I spend less time on facebook trying to stay connected.  I believe all of that is as it should be, and what it means is that there is a sense of loss that continues to sit in my heart.

I told a friend yesterday that "it is not ok, and I don't know if it will ever be ok again."  Perhaps a bit dramatic, and yet there is truth in the statement as well.

Katy and Allison continue to feel the impact of the move, perhaps most dramatically.   There are no friends calling for coffee dates, or parties for them to attend, and no one to catch a movie with or head to the mall for a bit of shopping together.  

We have spent more hours as family this past year and while there is a sweetness in that, there is also sorrow.

I am grateful for ALL the faces that joined us here at our home in Kalamazoo, faces of friends who traveled long distances to be with us and connect with us in our new city.  The mingling of those faces, familiar to our years in Texas, with our new surroundings has eased the pain and offered hope.  

This was year of travel for me, and of care for my soul and I am grateful for both.  Travel for OHM to Houston, Phoenix and Raleigh, cruising with Russ & Kim for Mark's 50th birthday, New York and Philadelphia with Katy and finally Italy to see Allison.  I loved every trip and all the moments etched in my heart from those who journeyed with me.  Care for my soul came both in the context of some of these trips, and in being intentional to find spaces designed to care for me.  It is a choice I will carry over into 2012.

Steven is more of a man and deeply connected to his community here, for him this place has brought what was missing for him in San Antonio.  I can only smile and thank God for His goodness to our son, who desperately needed to taste the hand of God on His life.  

As 2011 closes I am sitting again on my 3 three seasons porch, just as I was  year ago today.  The grass is green and we continue to wait for the snow that eluded us.  The smell from my one "live" Christmas tree is sweet in the air, and we are heading once again to Grand Rapids to same home we celebrated New Years in last year.  There are new traditions forming and friendships continuing to grow.

I have some thoughts about next year, but not for this post, not today.

Today I am remembering the year that closes tonight, the ups and downs, the beauty and the loss, the glory of God painted across it all.

Farewell 2011...

What do you know?

This morning my dad was sitting at the dining room table with coffee in his hand and his macbook opened up to iphoto.  I peered in to see what he was doing as I pulled my own coffee mug from the cupboard and asked, "what are those pictures?".  He told me he'd taken ALL of the slides from when we were kids and had them converted into digital images.  

I stood behind him looking at images of myself that I haven't seen in years, probably 20+ years.  We had very few snap shots of our growing up years, as slides were the "thing" so our photographic memories have been stored in numbered boxes in my parents garage for over half my life.

There wasn't time to sit down and look closely this morning, as holiday errands beckoned me to keep moving, but those images are waiting now for me to peruse more closely and at an honoring pace later on today or tomorrow hopefully.

Still, the images quickly stirred my memories and left me thinking a bit about who I was as that little girl, what my dreams were and wondering who my parents thought I would become as they experienced my little self.

Conversations this week with Katy and Allison have included our wondering about the little girls and what life will look like for them in 15 years, and who they will be.  We all have our ideas, and it is fun to listen to my older children talk about what they see in the little ones and what they imagine.  These conversations inevitably invite my memories of the older kids and questions about what I see and what I think about who they have become and are continuing to become.

There are things I knew when they were small that I see unfolding today in some of the ways I'd hoped, and other things that truly do surprise me.

What did Mary know?  How did a teenage girl hold so much in her heart and maintain her sanity?  Was she aware of who she was holding in her arms...who she really was holding?

Was I aware with my own children?  Will one of my children change the world?  Probably not, and yet there are world changers out there and its possible one my five could be a world changer.  At the very least, they will each have the opportunity to change the piece of the world that falls within their spere of influence, as do I.

Today I am very aware of my dreaming and wondering about my kids as I carried them in my belly, as I held them in my arms and as I continue to watch them grow.  

Gatherings

Our home has been a place of gatherings for the past thirteen years or so.  College kids started hanging out at our house during the winter of 1999 when we lived in Flagstaff, Arizona.  Late night cocoa and midnight football in the snow accompanied by "hookie-bobbing" behind our vehicles thru the street of our quiet neighborhood were frequent occurrences.  The late nights continued for the years we lived in San Antonio and ministered to young adults.  Last year our house was quiet here in Kalamazoo, almost strangely quiet.  This year has seen the return of late nights at our home, and we are all rejoicing.

The holiday gatherings over this past weekend included a party for Steve's friends Friday night...complete with cookie decorating, a bit of wild dancing (which actually made my Christmas tree sway back and forth as the house shook) and culminated with watching The Grinch.  Saturday night my Red Tent ladies came for dinner with their spouses, and Monday we hosted the team from Open Hearts Ministry.

As the original three grow older the fun of these parties increases.  The prep time was almost as much as the parties.

I don't have any deep profound words to share about any of this, just profound gratitude for the return of gatherings that feel life giving and sweet to my soul.